I understand that medicine is devoted to battling and curing the worst diseases we’ve encountered. It’s noble and I support it wholeheartedly.

    But also, why is no one working on making sugar healthy for the body?

    I came up with a new get-rich-quick scheme that’s sure to work! While browsing the spices at my local Sprouts, I noticed a remarkable price tag. Per ounce, saffron threads work out to be $1,299.

    1. Start growing my own saffron.
    2. ???
    3. Major profits!

    I’ve gotten a college degree, I’m one half of a successful marriage, and heck, I’ve even earned a black belt, but none of that has been as challenging as trying to come up with meals to eat every dang week.

    I can appreciate wanting to put a fresh spin on recipes, but I don’t think I ever want to see them described as “sexy” or “raunchy” again.

    If they do it for you, go right on ahead, but I’ve never felt attracted to lentils in that way.

    It may not be news to anyone, but I’m finding that a good1 pair of silicone-coated tongs are perhaps the most useful and underrated tool in my kitchen. I keep finding new uses for them!

    1. A very forgiving word here. Mine were part of a cheap set from Amazon↩︎

    How long will it take for cereal boxes to shrink in size so much that we’re stuck paying normal box size prices for individually wrapped flakes and O’s?

    Getting a bag of actually salty Skinny Pop popcorn is like winning the lottery: There’s a one in three hundred million shot it’ll happen and it’s remarkably surprising when it does.

    I often try to think about what I can do to make the world a better place.

    I was reminded of a serious problem recently: Why don’t the number of hot dog buns in a package ever match the number of hot dogs you can get? Six buns to eight dogs? Madness.

    What better way to improve the world than create a company that ends this madness once and for all? Coming soon: The eight bun package! Sure to revolutionize barbecues everywhere and make the world just a little bit nicer.

    It’s amazing how a good, sharp knife can improve the entire experience of preparing food. Instead of struggling through it all, the blade glides. Dinner doesn’t feel like a chore when you’re amazed by how it feels to slice and dice.

    All you people can have your flying and turning invisible superpowers all you want. What I choose is to be able to eat as much pizza as my mouth can handle without any adverse effects.

    I want to be crushed under a mountain of delicious pizzas!